Da' Uvver Side Uv Da' Story (The 23rd Baratarians)

Joey Konyha

Here, as promised, (or threatened, depending on if you liked it or not) is how the Orks saw the events as layed out in "23rd Baratarians." Also, thank you to those who read and gave feed back on the story.

 

Urdteef stood, his arms folded tightly across his chest.  He reflected back on how the Waaagh! was going, and was sure he had been forsaken by Gork.  Ever since the hulk entered this system, there had been one debacle after another.  The Gagants were useless due to the meks forgeting the minor detail that they needed fuel for the boilers.  Huge tracts of trees were being felled now, but the Gargants were still immobile.  They would have been a helpful addition to his forces just yesterday.  The only building of the stinking humie city he was able to capture was a factory that produced humie female (Yuk!  Urdteef thought) undergarments.  Several samples were added to the Waaagh! Banner, never the less.  Now, it looked as if the humies would beat the Orks even further back.

Urdteef looked over at his poor trukk.  A stinking humie had filled it up with shoota shells, and nearly wrecked it.  Narmek was tut-tuting over it.

"Dis trukk is gonna need speshul modifikashuns.  Da go-box iz not makin' it go as gud as da enjun should make it go."

Urdteef snarled  "Do'n go and do none uv yer "modifikashuns"!   Jus' fix da go-box so we can go duff up da 'oomies dat's stuck out dere!"  He pointed to the humie lines.  "Dey's cowerin' like a bunch a worthless grots!  I can'na give 'em da boot if I gotta walk over dere!  I would be too worn out!"

Kruksnik listened to the conversation and sighed.  Mork alone knew why this doofus (even for an Ork) had become the Wrboss of this Waagh!  The only thing Kruksnik could come up with was the 4 rows of teeth that filled Urdteef's ugly (again, even for an Ork) face.  Krucksnik lifted the looky-tubes to his face and strugled to remember how to focus them. The Stunty he got them from did not tell him how, and he had to figure it out on his own.  The fact the Stunty's head was split in two by Kruksniks choppa was no excuse.  Darn weedy stunties.

Narmek began working on the go-box, using his Delikut Adjustment Tool. Kruksnik thought it looked like a huge mallet, but Urdteef told him that is why you ain't no mekboy.

Kruksnik finaly remembered, and the humies lept into view.  Sure enough, there they were, hiding.  The Orks guns made sure they stayed there. One thing about Urdteef, he knew how humies thought.  He knew they would cower there in the trenches if the boys threw enough shells at them. Kruksnik swept the lines.  There he was.  The only humie that was dead hard, except for a beakie.  Comizars, they were called.  Kruksnik noticed he had a buzzing sword.  He decided that he wanted it...bad.

Urdteef called out to Kruksnik.  "Is dey still dere?"

"Yeah, dey iz dere, but dat comizar  'oomie, 'ez makin' 'em gitz up and make like deyz gonna come an' git us ladz."  Kruksnik saw the comizar wave hs buzzy-sword around, and then the other humies get up like they were going to charge the Orks.  Even the explosions that ripped apart the ground between the humies and the Orks did not scare the comizars. "'allo?  Wots goin' on dere?"  Kruksnik asked himself.  The humies were turning around, pointing and cheering.  Kruksnik moved his head around in circles several times before finding it.

"OI!!!!!!  One of dose ded killy 'oomie stompa fings iz commin'!"

Kruksnik let the looky-tubes fall around his neck.  "dere it iz!  By Mork!  Dey iz angry wit us, izn't dey!"

Urdteef rushed over to Kruksnik, grabbing at the looky-tubes.  "Where iz dat stompa fing?  I don' see it!"  In fact,"Urdteef said, looking back and forth between using the looky-tubes and his own eyes, "da rest of da 'oomies iz goe, too!"

Kruksnik gasped, as the dangly string choked him, "Turn it around and press dis," indicating the focus rune.

Urdteef corrected himself the focused.  "OI! iz roight!  Winge!  Get da ladz ready for a duff up!"

Winge, the gretchin Standard bearer, rushed off, a paniced look on his face.  He screached warnings to the rest of the boyz.  They jumped up, rushing about to ready themselves for the humies onslaught.

Rockets lept from the Dead Killy Stompa Thing. As Urdteef watched, the rockets slammed into the Orks lines.  The explosions swallowed whole squads of boyz, and spat out wreckage of Ork guns and vehicles.  Urdteef stood helplessly, muttering "Me boyz.....Me gunz....Oi! Not da poor sqigoths....."  Urdteef and Kruksnik watched as the stompa thing came closer and closer.  "Git ready ta run for it ladz!  We'z iz out numbered!"

Narmek, oblivious to the carnage now being visited on the Ork's lines came up to Urdteef.  "Boss, I wuz workin' on da trukk, when dat worfless grot Winge came and took me 'elperz.  I canna fix yur trukk witout no 'elp!"

Just then, a white hot ball of plasma ripped one of the gobsmashas parked nearby.  As debris rained down, a single tire spun though the air, leaving a trail of greasy black smoke as it carved through the sky, landing smack on the trukk that was "Urdteef's Chareut", bendig it near in half before bouncing into some grots.

Narmek stood by as Urdteefs expression went from paniced helplessness to rage.  He began to sputter.

Narmek started, "Ohhhh.....dat's bad.  It iz gonna take much more time to fix dat tru..."  Urdteef silenced him with a vicious blow to Narmeks forehead.  "A 'unert teef to da lad dat wrekks dat fing!  Get ready ta go give dem humies da boot!  Dey wrekked me trukk, and dey iz gonna pay!"

A cheer rose from the Orks.  Even the Grots cheered, but only because they wanted to be just like Orks.  They are wimpy gits, like every Ork knows.  Even as the Stompa Thing spat out death from its last weapon, the boys cheered.  Finaly, the fire from the Orks got through the weedy shields of the Stompa Thing.  "Kill it!  Kill it!"  Urdteef screamed at his gunners as he rushed over to one of the Splatta Cannons.  He shoved the gunner aside.  "Dis iz 'ow ya do it!"  he shouted as he pulled the lanyard, fireing at the huge machine. "I gotta do evuryfing meself!'"

As the astounded gunner watched, Urdteefs hasty shot impacted against the Stompa Things head, blowing chunks of it off.  Slowly, it knelt down, befor finally toppeling over.

The Orks began their chant, "'ere we go!  'ere we go!  'ere we go!" as they were inspired at the heroics of their Warboss.  Even Kruksnik was impressed.  As the Stompa Thing disapeared in a bright exposion, Urdteef could be heard to yell "YOU ZOGGIN' DIE!"  Turning to the cheering Orks, he shouted "Gork be praised!  Avenge me trukk!"  With a cheer, the Orks rushed the stunned Humies.


Back to Best of the List.

E-mail me!